Anyone have any good jokes?

I will start with this one:

A man dies and goes to the Judgment.

Saint Peter meets him at the Gates and says, “Before you meet with God, I thought I should tell you—we’ve looked at your life, and you really didn’t do anything particularly good or bad.We’re not sure what to do with you.

Can you tell us anything you did that can help us make our decision?” The applicant thinks a moment and replies,“Yeah, once I was driving along and came upon a woman who was being harassed by a group of bikers. So I pulled over, got out my tire iron, and went up to the leader of the bikers. He was a big, muscular, hairy guy with tattoos all over his body and a ring through his nose. Well, I tore out his nose ring and told him he and his gang had better stop bothering the woman or they would have to deal with me!”

“I’m impressed, ”Saint Peter responds.

“When did this happen?”

“About two minutes ago.”

A family of birds come across an antelope somewhere in sub-Saharan Africa. They grow to enjoy each other's presence and become mutually beneficial. The birds grow unusually large from overfeeding though, while the antelope can barely keep by, being unusually small. Passing nature photographers make this discovery but have no idea what to name their small dik-dik with a pair of fat tits.

Here's another one:

It got crowded in Heaven, so Saint Peter decided to accept only people who’d had a really bad day on the day they died.

On the first morning of the new policy, Saint Peter said to the first man in line, “Tell me about the day you died.” The man said,“Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn’t find her lover anywhere. So finally I went out on the balcony, where I found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So I went inside, got a hammer, and started hitting his hands. He fell, but landed in some bushes and survived. So I went inside, picked up the refrigerator, and pushed it out over the balcony. It crushed him, but the strain of hefting the fridge gave me a heart attack and I died.”

Saint Peter couldn’t deny this was an awful day and that it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter Heaven.

He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. “Well, sir, it was terrible. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment below me but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers with a hammer! I fell, but I landed in some bushes and lived! But then this guy came out again and dropped a refrigerator on me! That did it!”

Saint Peter chuckled a bit, and let him into Heaven. “Tell me about the day you died,” he said to the third man. “Okay, picture this. I’m naked, hiding in a refrigerator . . .”

A Guy walks into a bar, and says "Ouch".

Well, given how messy and complicated the law is these days, that sounds about right.

Two goes in, one comes out.

Is this supposed to be dark humor?

Why did the rockerboy's output kicked him out of the apartment ?

Coz he wasn't chippin in.

Two men are walking on the bridge and the middle one falls into drain

Bethesda/GoG removing the Mission Packs from Spear of Destiny including for people who previously bought the game.

Oh, sorry, good jokes!

What's the best thing about Switzerland? I don't know, but the flag is a big plus.

A friend of my kupuna, who was an airline pilot, with a droll sense of humour, drily observed one chilly morning: "It was so cold this morning that my landing gear retracted", which would certainly make "touchdowns", on a runway, or otherwise, problematic.

...or as they say; 0 comes in and 1 comes out....

.....................................................................................

A physics teacher writes a question on a board A few moments later, the teacher then comes over and reads one student's answer: "In a foster home".

Wise guru of the mountain: "The secret to happiness is to never argue with fools and madmen."

Visitor, visibly shocked: "No! This can't possibly be true!"

Wise guru, on a conciliatory tone: "Of course, of course! You are right!"

An Irishman walks into a Dublin bar, orders three pints of
Guinness, and drinks them down, taking a sip from one, then a
sip from the next, until they’re gone. He then orders three more.

The bartender says, “You know, they’d be less likely to go flat if
you bought them one at a time.”

The man says, “Yeah, I know, but I have two brothers, one in
the States, one in Australia. When we all went our separate ways,
we promised each other that we’d all drink this way in memory
of the days when we drank together. Each of these is for one of
my brothers and the third is for me.”

The bartender is touched, and says, “What a great custom!”

The Irishman becomes a regular in the bar and always orders
the same way.

One day he comes in and orders two pints. The other regulars
notice, and a silence falls over the bar. When he comes to the
bar for his second round, the bartender says, “Please accept my
condolences, pal.”

The Irishman says, “Oh, no, everyone’s fine. I just joined the
Mormon Church, and I had to quit drinking.”

I have a joke.

My life.

thats the joke.