Granted. You are no longer able to grow hair yourself, and your head hair falls out, leaving you bald.

I wish for a sequel to Crystalis (NES game).

Granted, but it‘s coming out on the Commodore 64.

I wish that all my multimedia devices wouldn‘t need cables to work.

Granted. Unfortunately, they seem to prefer connecting to your neighbour's player, who is big on reggaeton. Unfazed by this, he decides that the solution is cranking up the volume, so that he listens to his beloved music through the walls. Solved! (for him). You would like to disconnect them, but sadly the instructions came all written in a bad translation from Japanese to Cantonese. You would like to unplug your devices but they are wireless, remember? The batteries are guaranteed to last for at least two and a half years of heavy use. All those wireless speakers nailed to your walls so solidly that you cannot even imagine how to unscrew them. As your mood darkens, you contemplate the use of a sledgehammer, but the damned things seem too well-built, nigh indestructible. You slowly come to the realization that this is the new soundtrack of your life.

I wish that Windows did not degenerate over time.

Granted, but it's no longer possible to open them, so you no longer have air circulation indoors.

I wish that Final Fantasy 2 would get the same 3D remake treatment that Final Fantasy 3 and 4 got on the Nintendo DS, along with some badly needed rebalancing.

Wish granted, but it is a Dreamcast fanbase mod.

I wish Hawking radiation could be administered as a recreational drug by implanting tiny black holes near the pineal colada gland in the brain.

Granted, after centuries of artificial black holes being used safely this way, a single miscalculation generates a black hole just a little too big to dissipate and it eats the ingest-er, then the world. How's THAT for over-dosing!

I wish humans had giraffe-style tongues (but smaller to fit in the mouths we have now) and for advantages in durability, language, and sex.

Granted, but now people will be a hundred times more likely to bite their tongue.

I wish eating spicy food would not make me poop.

Granted. You now only eat spicy foods exclusively and you poop nothing. Everything stays in your belly.

I wish I could dump most of fat I get from my diet by farting.

As a bonus, you also get to dump all your friends.

I wish martial arts really did convey super powers, as in the Avatar/Korra universe.

Granted, some of them would later learn how to become gravity benders. One of them soon or later would bend the gravity of the planet they live on, for whatever reason, causing part of the planet's atmosphere to be disrupted and the death of the gravity bender themselves due to radiation from outer space and meteor showers.

I wish there were food crops and cash crops that could be cultivated in the deserts.

Granted, but the food doesn't taste that good, and there's not enough demand for the cash crops.

I wish for a PC emulator that is capable of emulating a PC with over 100% performance, so that I could keep nesting the emulation and get exponentially better performance until I have more than what I need for the task. Furthermore, the emulated system must have more RAM than the host, and that RAM needs to be faster than the host's RAM.

Also, the emulator *must* be capable of running inside itself, with infinite nesting capability.

Granted. Unfortunately resulting framerate is also exponential.
You can play at 0.001, 1 and 1000 FPS.

In-game physics goes haywire and enemies are too fast to react to.

I wish for a 0% interest, no limit credit card.

Granted, the card looks completely uninteresting and has an infinite amount of a fictional currency.

I wish Lego could be used as an official currency, with each knob of a brick being worth 3 cents or yen and each knob of a plate (short bricks) being worth 1 cent or yen.

Granted, the amount of deaths due to attacks with socks filled with 'official currency' spikes. Lego is deemed too dangerous to be in the hands of the plebs and is subsequently prohibited.

I wish kitchens didn't get dirty so fast.

Granted. If everyone fasts, kitchens won't get dirty.

I wish dirty laundry could wash itself.